Vaccine Side-Effects

Two weeks ago, I got stuck in the arm with the Moderna Covid vaccine. I am grateful for this. But now I’m hearing from other folks who have received the second shot. I’ve heard everything from, “I feel mildly sick,” to “I’ve got a low fever and some fatigue.” Now, I’ll take a little fatigue over Covid because Covid can flatten you like a steamroller, and on top of that, you can’t taste anything, including bacon, and not being able to taste bacon sounds like a room in hell. So I’ll get my second shot. I get it April 20, so I know on April 21, I’m not going to feel well.

Predicting when I will feel bad reminds me of a drug called Pamprin that I first noticed in the ‘70s when I was a child. Women take it to relieve the symptoms of their monthly periods, such as cramps, bloating, and irritation at their fathers who gave them the second X chromosome that made them female. Dads hand out these X chromosomes, but do dads have to deal with a period? Of course not. Well, not directly. Dads are often married to moms who have periods, and dads often live with their daughters who have periods, and if a dad’s life is more difficult during the weeks when the females are dealing with this, well. None of the females feel the least bit sorry for him.

I was seven years old when I noticed these Pamprin commercials. They showed a calendar and implied that a woman could more or less predict when her discomfort would begin. This was a mystery to me. My mom had not yet explained these matters. I did not understand how I woman could predict which day of a month she’d have pain. Was a Ouija board involved? Do you remember those?

A Ouija board was a game that involved fortune telling, and I recall sitting in my friend’s house in an attic room playing with it and trying to predict the future. It never predicted our futures. The Ouija board did not predict the pandemic or anything useful that I recall. Speaking of that, did you know there was a horoscope company that published a disclaimer a year ago when the shut-downs began? They said, “Our column is written two months ahead of publication. If your horoscope says this would be a good day for a party with twenty of your friends, don’t listen to it. There’s a pandemic on. Stay at home and keep your distance from everyone but your family. There was no way we could have known Covid was coming. Because how could a horoscope writing business possibly know the future?”

Back to Pamprin. I did not understand how a woman could predict when she’d have pain. Today I understand these things. Some women can predict what their bodies will do better than others. My ovaries were unpredictable, both early on and when I was trying to get pregnant. 

I had some bouts with infertility which is another room in hell right next to the kitchen where you’re forced to cook bacon that has no taste. The Infertility Room in hell was where my ovaries said, “Oh, are we supposed to be doing something?” We gave my ovaries some drugs, and they said, “Fine, here’s an egg.” I got pregnant. A couple years later, when I wanted to get pregnant again, my ovaries hung out a CLOSED FOR BUSINESS sign. No matter how many shots my husband gave me or how many tests I had, my ovaries said, “What part of ‘no’ don’t you understand? We are done.” I’m eternally grateful for my ovaries’ stubbornness because if I’d gotten pregnant the second time around, we would not have adopted our daughter.

Speaking of my daughter, we’ll have to decide if she should get the vaccine when she’s old enough. A few years ago, she was due for some vaccines – measles, I think, or whooping cough, or meningitis, or some such. The doctor said she could take two shots or three. One of the vaccines could wait a year if we wanted. I said, “Let’s just get it over with and do three at once.” My daughter was horrified. Who takes three shots when they can take only two? What if Jesus comes back in a month and we never have to take the third shot? But I was not thinking of Jesus at that moment, so my daughter got three shots that day. Then I felt guilty because I made her get three shots, so I bought her ice cream on the way home.

Am I allowed to buy myself ice cream after my second Covid shot? That would be fair. It would also be fair if men could get some menstrual symptoms when they get the Covid shot. Gentlemen, if you feel bloated, try Pamprin and bacon. Because, thanks be to God and Covid shots, you’ll be able to taste the bacon.

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