Bernie and the Mittens

By now you’ve seen it many times. The photo of a certain senator. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, then you’ve been doing research in Antarctica for the last week. I take that back. They have internet in Antarctica. If you haven’t seen the parka and mittens photo, you’ve been on Jupiter. On the other hand, as the largest planet, Jupiter probably has great Wifi. I’m thinking Jupiter knows about the parka and mittens. Maybe if you’ve been on the planet Pluto — the word may not have reached there yet.

Yes, I call Pluto a planet. It was demoted to Dwarf Planet and taken off the list of Real Planets a few years ago. I’m having none of it. In 1976, when I learned the planets, Pluto was at the tail end of the memory devices, so there Pluto shall stay.

Back to the photo of the senator. In case you really don’t know what I’m talking about, let me be the first to welcome you home from Pluto. Was it cold? You needed Jen Ellis to make you some mittens to take on your trip. Jen Ellis creates mittens from old sweaters, and she’s a second-grade teacher in Vermont.

Jen made a pair of mittens for Bernie Sanders, and the senator wore them to the inauguration. Someone snapped a picture of him all bundled up and not the least bit bitter about the fact he was not the one being inaugurated. The photo of Bernie in the parka and mittens has circulated as far as the planet Uranus (that planet sounds obscene no matter how you pronounce it). 

The fun of the photo is not merely seeing Bernie and those lovely mittens. It’s seeing Bernie photoshopped into hundreds of other pictures. Of course, what do I know? Maybe Bernie really was sitting next to Spider Man at the inauguration. Maybe Bernie was there for Edward Hopper to paint him in a restaurant on Greenwich Avenue. (Google “Bernie in Nighthawks” AFTER you finish reading this.) And maybe Bernie did eat lunch on a crossbeam with construction workers, his feet dangling 840 feet above New York City streets. (Google Bernie in New York Construction Workers Lunching on a Crossbeam). Again, it would be rude to look that up before you finish reading what I wrote for you.

Some of you just googled it. Shame on you. After all, to get a pair of Jen Ellis’ mittens, you have to pay for them, and I wrote this for you for FREE. You already googled the painting and the photograph because they were more interesting than reading my stuff. No, my feelings aren’t hurt, but you could make it up to me by ordering me a pair of Jen’s mittens.

Why do we have the inauguration in the dead of winter anyway? Why not move the election to February and the inauguration to April when the Japanese cherry trees are in bloom in D.C.? Except I’m not sure Lady Gaga could have worn that amazing dress as late as April. It was a winter look, don’t you think? But the dove pin that we all wanted to be a mockingjay would still have worked in spring. If mockingjay doesn’t ring a bell, look up The Hunger Games: mockingjay. Sigh, go ahead and google it. I’ll wait.

If I’m ever invited to the inauguration in January, I’m taking a pair of Jen’s gloves with me. I’ll be Bernie’s guest. On the other hand, he’s already attended an inauguration or two, so maybe Bernie and I should go someplace else. Like Mars – much warmer than Pluto. If you see a picture of Bernie and me riding a Mars rover, it’s real. Maybe Jen can knit me some driving mittens. Vroom, vroom.

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