Ferrets and Debates

I was in the pet supply store yesterday. My cat has a litter box, and I needed a new scoop for it because the handle broke off the old one. 

In the middle of the store, I saw an unusual pet for sale. There in a Plexiglass case were two ferrets. One was white with pink eyes (the pink eyes were a little creepy). The other was brown and black. I don’t know what color his eyes were because he was asleep. The white one was playing with a toy. She looked like a fun little ferret. But taped to the outside of the case was a sign that read, “FERRETS HAVE A PROPENSITY TO MAKE UNPROVOKED ATTACKS THAT CAUSE BODILY INJURY TO HUMAN BEINGS.”

Makes one wonder why humans would pay good money for an animal that may attack them. But then again, as long as we’re talking propensities, humans have a propensity to do lots of things that cause themselves bodily harm, like eating too many Twinkies, or watching presidential debates, which is bad for blood pressure. So if your choices are buying a ferret or watching a presidential debate, I’d go with the ferret. If you have a ferret, you can make funny videos and get a following on YouTube. It’s unlikely a presidential candidate is going to take funny videos with you unless you live in a swing state. My state is solidly red, so no candidate wastes time here, even if you have a baby or a ferret for him to kiss. It’s okay to take off your mask and kiss a ferret. They might attack you, but they won’t give you Covid.

In all honesty it should be politicians instead of ferrets in the Plexiglass case. I’d give the politicians plenty of food and water and little toys to chew on. We’d all be safer with the politicians under lock and key. Or should we put them on a leash so they can get some exercise? Please vote for your choice. The best way to keep a politician under control is (a.) Plexiglass cage or (b.) leash. If you want to vote in this poll via absentee ballot, you’d better apply for your ballot soon. Send me a $50 bill and I’ll mail you a ballot. What, did you think voting is free? Freedom is not free. This is the home of the Free and the Fleeced. If you insist on voting in person, I’ll let you do so but only if you bring your ferret with you. I wonder if a ferret would ride in a purse or a man bag.

Could I take a ferret for a walk?  If I had a ferret, I’d get her a diamond-studded collar and a gold leash.  I’d name her Fifi and put signs in my yard: FIFI THE FERRET FOR PRESIDENT. What’s not to like? Ferrets won’t lie to you or raise your taxes. If you put two on a debate stage together, they treat each other with civility, unlike human presidential candidates. As the sign in the store said, the ferrets might attack you and cause bodily harm, but only if you deserve it for the crimes you’ve committed like speeding (don’t deny it) or wearing your sister’s clothes without permission, or acting like a fool in a presidential debate.

I don’t know what color eyes either of the presidential candidates has, but I think I’ll take the pink-eyed ferret over either human choice. Now if I can convince my cat to run for Senate.

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