When it comes to cats, there are conservatives, moderates, and liberals. Now I don’t mean the actual cats fit in these categories. When you think of the political spectrum, you’re thinking of a republic, and cats prefer a monarchy. This reminds me of the musical Hamilton, which features the British king, George III. In the show, he is comic relief, but his disdain for the American patriots was true to life. Like George III, cats will make you laugh, but if you don’t give them what they want, they will kill you.
When I speak of conservatives, moderates, and liberals, I’m referring to the humans who live with cats. For example, some humans let their cats out into the yard. They are the liberals. They say, “Cats are animals. They are supposed to enjoy nature and explore. It’s wrong to imprison a cat in a house. Run, be free! Let the cat go hug an oak tree.”
That’s the absolute truth. I agree with the liberals.
Then there are the conservatives. They know the most dangerous place for a cat is outside where the cat could be struck by a car or get into a fight with another cat over politics. Cats also fight over sex. When a female cat is in heat, male cats will tear each other up to get close to her. The female cat finds these skirmishes fun to watch. She smokes a cigarette while the males duke it out. But the conservative cat owner never sees or hears these rumbles because they have their cats spayed or neutered and keep them in the house. The conservatives say, If you love your cat, keep it inside where it’s safe.
I agree with the conservatives. One hundred per cent.
Finally, there are the moderates. They keep the cat in the house except when they feel guilty about it. Then they let the cat out, but they go outside with the cat and babysit. They watch to be sure he doesn’t go in the road. This works until the cat wants to leave the yard. The cat thinks all the yards are his because cats are devotees of Karl Marx and don’t respect private property. The kitty runs across the road into a neighbor’s yard as the human yells, “Fluffy! Come back! You don’t own that yard. We’re [Democrats/Republicans/Independents] not communists!”
Some moderate humans leash their cats. If you’re lucky enough to catch a cat owner attempting this, you may witness the feline version of a sit-in. Look up Monkey the Cat on YouTube. Monkey’s owner put him in a harness, and Monkey did a remarkable job of demonstrating passive resistance. But don’t look for the video yet because you’d have to stop reading this thing I wrote for you, and that would be rude. I’ll remind you to look up Monkey the Cat when you finish reading. I promise. Passive resistance — isn’t that when you go limp so you’re not resisting arrest? Or something like that. I’ve never been in danger of arrest, so I’ve never had to go limp. I’ve never protested anything in public either.
Is it a bad thing that I’m 53 and I’ve never taken my cat to a political protest? Here’s the ugly truth: I’ve never marched in the street about anything whether with my cat or not. If you’re a liberal, you probably think, “What kind of wuss gets to 53 years old without protesting anything?” Joining a protest should be on my bucket list. Along with getting a tattoo. On my ankle. Of my cat.
Here is the truth. I’m a conservative when it comes to my cat, Rory. I keep him inside. He is allowed to go in the garage and on the back porch. Actually, he is required to go in the garage at night because if I leave him in the house, he scratches on my door and wakes me. Before I go to bed, I give him a little piece of turkey in his dish in the garage, and he spends the night out there.
The trouble comes when we have very cold weather. There are several nights in January in South Carolina when the temperature may dip to 15 degrees. My veterinarian says Rory the Cat may stay in the garage unless the garage is 32 degrees or colder. I’ve checked this with a thermometer, and I know it’s 20 degrees warmer in my garage than outside.
However, it’s supposed to be 14 degrees at 4 a.m. tonight, so I’ll have to keep Rory the Cat in the house. This is a problem because Rory the Cat is not a good kitty who sleeps all night on the sofa. Last time we had a frigid night, at 1 a.m. he scratched on my door demanding food even though he had eaten a good meal that evening. I fed him again and told him to shut up and leave me alone the rest of the night.
At 5 a.m., I heard another scratch on my door. I do not get up at 5 a.m. On school days, I rise at 6:30 but only because I want to eat breakfast with my daughter before she goes to school. When I heard the scratch on my door at 5 a.m., I said, “Rory the Cat, this is the second time you have awakened me. If I had wanted this treatment, I would have had another baby at age 52.” I’d had enough of Rory the Cat. I tossed him in the garage with no regrets.
“Fend for yourself, Rory the Cat. Just see if I will ever be your loyal subject again! Ha!”
In the spirit of King George III of Great Britain, Rory the Cat crouched in the garage, shivering, and plotted my death. He meowed a curse at me through the door.
I hissed back, “Oh, give me a break, Rory the Cat. It’s probably 34 degrees in that garage. If liberal cats in the wild can survive winter in the woods, you will be just fine.” I went back to bed.
Rory the Cat survived until 7 a.m. when I deigned to give him breakfast.
We are at the end of my cat story. All of you cat lovers and political protesters, I thank you for waiting patiently. You may now find “Monkey the Cat” on YouTube and learn how peaceful protest works.
P.S. Rory the Cat says to tell you that all disobedient cat owners – conservatives, moderates, and liberals alike– will hang at dawn. I say, give your cat some fresh fish as a snack and he’ll forget about killing the colonists.