LLama Drama

“Llamas are a thirsty lot,” said my husband as he ate breakfast.

I was at the sink washing a dish with the water running.

“Well, it’s not my turn to water the llamas,” I responded. “I don’t even know how to do it. Wait, we don’t raise llamas. I don’t think our subdivision allows pack animals, not even with a fenced yard.” I turned off the water. “Did you really say something about a llama?”

“No,” my husband replied. “I said almonds are a thirsty crop. They require a lot of water. This article says there’s not enough water in California, and the almond crop is failing.”

“That’s too bad,” I said. “I like almonds. Especially if they’re covered with sugar and pastel food coloring and called Jordan almonds. Do llamas eat almonds?”

“I don’t know,” said my husband. “Google it.”

Wikipedia says the llama (scientific name: Lama glama) “is a domesticated South American camelid, widely used as a meat and pack animal by Andean cultures.”

Stop right there, Wikipedia. I’ve heard some people write articles for Wikipedia and include fallacious information (lies). The name Lama glama (yes, it rhymes) is so funny, it must be made up. But I happen to have a set of 1979 World Book encyclopedias in my den.

Sure enough, the “L” encyclopedia says Lama glama is the scientific name of the llama. Where the llama picked up the second “L” in its name is a mystery to me. Probably where llamas pick up everything, in South America. They are pack animals which means they carry stuff if they’re in the mood. They are indeed camelids, the largest South American member of the camel family. I’ve never heard the word “camelid,” but if both Wikipedia and World Book say a llama is a camel, it must be true.

If llamas are in the mood, they can carry one hundred pounds of Jordan almonds. Or one hundred pounds of coffee or doughnuts or computer chips, or whatever the South American owner wants them to carry. If, however, a llama thinks she has worked enough or her pack is too heavy, she will lie down, refuse to move, and watch Jeopardy on her phone. Llamas are big fans of Alex Trebek, and they are grieving his death. On the other hand, they think there should be more questions about llamas on Jeopardy.

Llamas will tell you, “The jury is still out” on this idea of having two Jeopardy hosts (one for regular shows and one for primetime specials – this is the plan, you know), but they will consider it if the writers add more questions about llamas. The llamas also insist that the hosts not offer condolences to contestants for wrong answers. Sometimes the post-Trebek hosts say, “I’m sorry, no,” to contestants after wrong answers.

Alex Trebek never said, “I’m sorry.” He simply said, “no” and moved on.

If your feelings are so tender that you require an “I’m sorry,” then you are not Jeopardy material.

Jeopardy means never having to say you’re sorry.

What is a joke based on a ridiculous line from “Love Story”?

If you’re old enough, you recall the 1970 movie called “Love Story.” The famous line from that movie is, “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.” Even llamas know that’s a preposterous lie.

If you love a llama and you have offended her, you darn well better say you’re sorry. If you don’t, the llama will spit bad-smelling saliva at you. World Book Encyclopedia says so. I don’t want to be spat at with flowery smelling saliva, much less foul-smelling saliva, so I’ll stay on the llama’s good side.

Let’s go back to the original misunderstanding that started this essay: Llamas are a thirsty lot. This is not generally true because llamas can live for weeks without drinking water. That’s the camel in them. Instead, they get their moisture from green plants. Camels don’t carry water in their humps, by the way, and llamas don’t carry it in their long necks.

This is good information to have in case I ever do raise a llama in my backyard. I wonder if llamas like movies. We could hang up an outdoor screen. I think a llama would like a good flick. Something with an intricate plot and good character development. But not a comedy.

What is a llama glama drama, Alex?

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