Uranium

Imagine you’re at a party and the conversation lags. Or you’re in an elevator with a stranger (awkward). Or you’re forced to socialize with coworkers at a gathering. Allow me to suggest a conversation starter:

Uranium.

Now, I know that uranium is politics-adjacent because it’s used in nuclear weapons. But let’s take the element on its own terms, starting with that Fount of All Truth, the Internet. I will also quote my son, Rob, who is a mechanical engineer. He works on nuclear power plants. Rob is even more reliable than the Internet. But if Rob doesn’t know an answer, he says, “I don’t know.”  When the Internet doesn’t know an answer, it tempts me with websites that solidify my biases. It’s such a nice dopamine hit when a web site tells me I’m right. I scroll and scroll until – Oh, look! A pop-up ad! Y’know those pool noodles that float? Here’s an ad for one. I didn’t know I needed a multi-colored pool noodle with a cup holder, but now I’m not sure how I ever lived without one. Need to grab my credit card.

Okay, that’s taken care of. Back to uranium. The Internet says uranium gets its name from the planet Uranus. I hope you’re not reading this aloud because there is no un-embarrassing way to say the name of that planet. It can be pronounced, YOUR-uh-nus, which sounds like what you put in a little plastic cup at the doctor’s office. Or it’s “your-AY-nus,” which brings to mind the honorable practice of colorectal science. I imagine if you’re in medical school, you become inoculated to embarrassing words. My alma mater had a Human Sexuality class for biology majors. I heard them studying for tests around the dining hall table, throwing around all kinds of embarrassing words like ovary and testosterone. And those were the least embarrassing terms they quizzed each other on. I was just trying to eat my chicken sandwich, and there they were, talking about the term hidden in the word “happiness.”  I’m not giving you any more hints.

The moniker Uranus is derived from the Greek word ouranos which means heaven or sky. William Herschol discovered the planet in 1781. Eight years later the German chemist Martin Heinrich Klaproth discovered the element uranium. He named the element in honor of the planet. I don’t know if planets appreciate being a namesake. I haven’t asked. Planets are notorious for turning down interviews.

Uranium powers nuclear arms. But its peaceful use is in power plants. Compared to traditional fuels, uranium packs an enormous punch. One measly pound of uranium yields as much energy as three million pounds of coal. Of course, only enriched uranium will do. I’m not sure how a chemist “enriches” uranium. I’m guessing the chemist gives it stock options.

 

Here’s how to create your own nuclear reaction at home.

(I am not making any of this up.)

(Okay, maybe I’ve taken a few liberties.)

(But the names of elements have not been changed.)

 

To create a nuclear reaction:

1. On Amazon, place in your cart the elements below.
2. Start with americium. It’s an artificial element first created in the Manhattan Project. Scientists named it after North America. It’s the heavier cousin of the element europium which was named after Europe.
3. Order half a metric ton of americium, 15 kilograms of uranium, and some beryllium. The Internet was not clear about the amount of beryllium, so I’ll say one cup. Give Amazon your credit card information and pay for express shipping. Then wait on your front porch for the delivery. Like the coyote in The Road Runner Show.
4. If you’re old enough, you remember this from Saturday morning cartoons. The coyote chases a road runner bird. To capture the bird, the coyote orders stuff (e.g., anvils) from Acme, a company that sells everything. And Acme delivers within five seconds. Amazon Prime is fast but not as fast as Acme.
5. Y’all will not believe this. I googled coyote and Acme. A film called Coyote vs. Acme was released two weeks ago. In the film, Wile E. Coyote sues Acme because every product made by the Acme Corporation has backfired on him.
6. Back to your nuclear reaction. Place the uranium on a cutting board. I don’t know what uranium does to countertops, so I recommend the cutting board.
7. In a large mixing bowl, combine the americium and beryllium. Beryllium is a steel-gray metal found in minerals like emeralds. I forgot to tell you: Drive to a jeweler and buy some emeralds.
8. “Emeralds?! How much will this process cost me?”
9. It will be worth it when you have One Big Beautiful Nuclear Reaction.
10. As you beat the americium and beryllium, a single neutron will rise to the top like cream.
11. Pluck out the neutron with tongs. Careful! The neutron will be either very hot or very cold depending on the stock market.
12. Throw the neutron at the uranium. Are you familiar with the old saying, “That pitcher has no talent. He can’t hit the broad side of a barn”? My son Rob says, “The neutron must hit the ‘cross-section’ of the uranium atom.” That’s easy peasy because, compared to a neutron, a cross-section of uranium is huge. Rob says the sections “are measured in ‘barns’ because the cross-section of a uranium nucleus is as big as a barn.”
13. I am not making this up.
14. “Ah, but Wendy, aren’t there requirements about the speed of the neutron?” Good point. Please, no fast balls. Uranium prefers to capture a slow-moving neutron.
15. All that requires is good ol’ H2O. Fill a mixing bowl with water. Drop the neutron in the bowl and stir. When the neutron bounces off the hydrogen in the water, the neutron will lose speed. Using your best pitcher’s stance, scoop it out and throw it at the uranium.
16. A sustained nuclear reaction will commence. The uranium atom splits and releases a very large amount of energy. We’re talkin’ about Big-Beautiful-Broad-Side-of-a-Barn amounts of energy. And there’s a bonus — the process makes extra neutrons. These neutrons bump into other uranium atoms and repeat the cycle.
17. When the uranium atoms split, they release heat. Heat boils water. The steam spins turbines. I think a magnet is involved, but, more or less, magic takes over and powers your light bulbs. Yes, magic is involved. Surely you didn’t think the process that turns uranium into a functioning hair dryer or lamp was found in the natural world.

There you have it. A simple process, really.

File these instructions away. This should give you plenty to talk about at your next office party. Or in an elevator. Or at a backyard pool party where you show off your new pool noodle with a cup holder.

I wonder if I could have bought my pool noodle cheaper from Acme.